Never Say Never
by LadyLovegood
Summary: Dr. Jocelyn Carmichael was just trying to survive. She never thought that he would change her life. Never thought that she could fall in love with him. BenOC
1. Say When

**Disclaimer: I do not own any character that is associated with Lost.**

**Summary: Dr. Jocelyn Carmichael was just trying to survive. She never thought that he would change her life. Never thought that she could fall in love with him. BenOC**

**Author Note: This is set after the episode Two For the Road.**

**Never Say Never**

_**Say When:**_

_. . ._

_See you there, don't know where you come from_

_Unaware the stare from someone_

_Don't appear to care_

_I saw you and I want you_

_What's your name? 'Cause I have to know it_

_You let me in and begin to show it_

_We're terrified, because were heading straight for it, might get it_

_. . ._

"Look at me, Jocelyn." It was a quiet demand and I tried my best not to obey.

"Jocelyn, Look at me!" He yelled once he realized that I was not going to listen to him.

Slowly I raised my head to meet his eyes. I had been nice to him. I had made sure that he got at least one meal every day. I had tried to keep Sayid as far away from him as possible and that was not an easy task. I was the one who sewed him up when Sayid brought him to the hatch and I was the one who made sure that he didn't get an infection. I had kept him alive.

'Henry' stared at me long and hard as I continued to look at him. Then suddenly he held out his hand for me to take. I stared at it for a moment trying to decide on what to do.

Finally, I took his hand into my own dirty one, letting him pull me off the ground and through the jungle. Everything had happened so fast that I had not even had time to fully comprehend it. One moment I was in the hatch pressing that stupid button and the next Michael was shooting people. I had thought for sure that I was dead. I didn't know why he hadn't just shot me but I figured it had something to do with Henry or whatever the hell his name actually was.

"What's your name?" I asked, finally as I stumbled through the jungle behind him.

"Ben." I was a bit surprised he even told me. If he was willing to tell me his name, I wondered what else he would tell me. Probably nothing, but it was at least worth a shot.

"Why didn't you let him shoot me?" I asked softly. He didn't answer me. I was going to ask again thinking that he had just not heard me the first time but he suddenly stopped and turned to face me.

"You were the only one to show me kindness, Jocelyn."

"So… not letting me be killed and then kidnapping me is your form of gratitude?"

His response was to throw a glare over his shoulder. This was just great.

I was on vacation…It was my first vacation since I was a kid. I just wanted to get away from surgery. I wanted to get away from death but instead of a perfect end to a wonderful vacation, I end up in a plane crash on an island where there were monsters and crazy natives. I should have listened to Adam…

_"What about your patients, Jocelyn?" My brother, Adam, demanded to know as he stood in the doorway of my bedroom, watching me make a last minute check to see if I had packed everything I needed for my trip._

_"Adam, I am going and you have already tried to talk me out of this so many times that I have lost count." I said laughing as I grabbed my luggage and began dragging it to the living room._

_Adam opened his mouth to begin protesting again but before he could say anything, I began to reassure him once more that everything would be fine._

_"Listen, Dr. Hewitt is, besides me of course, one of the best pediatric surgeons in the United States. My patients are going to be fine. This is my first vacation, Adam. I just want to have fun. Don't worry, nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is going to happen to me! Besides, you were the one to talk me into this, remember?"_

_"Joss…" He began again, running his fingers through his red hair._

_"Adam! What is the worst that could happen? The plane crashes and we all die. At least I won't feel anything!" I exclaimed, looking at myself in the hallway mirror and began to pat my red hair back in place. Once I was pleased with the way my hair and makeup looked, I gave Adam a quick kiss on the cheek, grabbed my bags and was out the door._

_I was free! I could finally stop worrying about kids dying on the operating table and I could quit worrying about Adam and his OCD. I was free to enjoy myself. I didn't have to worry about anything but having fun. I didn't have to think about the incident anymore. At least not until after I came back from Australia. _

_Popping the trunk to my car, I threw my heavy luggage in the back and got into the driver's side. Driving to the airport was the most amazing feeling in the world. My vacation was off to a wonderful start!_

"Adam was right." I muttered to myself before I began to giggle.

"What?" Ben stopped turning around to watch me.

"I just...I can't believe that this is happening to me!" I explained with a laugh, swiping a piece of my red hair out of my face and behind my ear with my free hand.

He stared at me a moment longer before squeezing my hand. I hadn't even realized that I was still holding his hand until that moment. The scary part was that it was comforting. I was beginning to lose it. I had lost my mind! This was the bad guy. I should not feel anything but disgust, anger….and fear.

I stared at our hands and then glanced up at his face. He did not look at me instead he kept walking his pace becoming faster. Glancing back down at our hands, I yanked mine from his grasp. In a blink of an eye, he had whirled around and had hold of my wrists pulling me close to him.

We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before he broke the silence.

"Jocelyn, are you afraid of me?"

"I…" I didn't know what to say. Was I afraid of him? I believed a part of me was. But then there was another part of me that felt…sad for him. I was not for sure why. He had not done anything to make me feel bad besides getting the crap beat out of him by Sayid.

Leaning forward he whispered in my ear "Don't be afraid of me. I won't hurt you."

Most of the time his words would have freaked me out but instead I believed him. There was something in his voice, something almost pleading for me to believe him that in turn did. I shouldn't have. I knew I shouldn't have but He watched me a moment longer and then he took my hand again and said "We have to hurry." And then I was being pulled through the jungle once more.

_. . ._

_Come across, you're lost and broken_

_You coming to, but you're slowly waken_

_You start to shake_

_Still haven't spoken, what happened_

_I'm coming back and you just don't know when_

_You wanna cry but there's nothing comin'_

_You're gonna push, until you give in, say when_

_. . ._

**Author Note: I really hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter. I know that right now it is a little rough around the edges but I promise it will get better. And if you have read my other story The Truth About Fate then you know that I like to use the flashbacks to tell my character stories so don't worry you will get to know a lot more about Jocelyn. If you have any suggestions or if you would just like to comment please leave a review.**


	2. Fall Away

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything including the characters.**

**Fall Away:**

**. . .**

_**Something I've done  
That I can't outrun.  
Maybe you should wait  
Maybe you should run  
But there's something you've  
Said that can't be undone.**_

_**And you fall away from your past  
But it's following you.**_

_**. . . **_

It had been a little over a week since Ben had taken me from the Hatch.

I was currently living in his house…with him. It was not that bad. He didn't really bother me, but I would catch him staring when he thought I wasn't looking.

No, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had even found a friend in his daughter Alex. She was a nice girl that would often sit with me on the swings and who would actually talk to me instead of staring at me as if I was some kind of foreign object like the others did. I wasn't for sure if her father had told her to stay with me or if she just felt sorry for me, but I appreciated the company anyway.

In the evenings, Ben would sit in his office doing whatever he did and I sat in the living room reading the many books he had. Sometimes he would come and sit with me asking me about my day or telling me about his. I had come to enjoy his company even though it had only been a week. However, it felt like so much longer.

Then it changed. All in one day. It wasn't that I had expected it to stay this way forever. I had figured that Ben had something else up his sleeve I had just not been able to figure it out.

I was sitting outside on the swing when Ben sat down next to me. As I glanced over to look at him, I pushed my blowing red hair out of my face. There had been a lot of commotion going on that day and I had not had a chance to ask him what was happening due to him staying locked up in his office. "Jocelyn, we are going to have visitors. I would like if you would stand by me to greet them."

"Visitors? Who are these visitors?" I asked suspiciously, continuing to stare at him.

"It doesn't matter who it is, Jocelyn." He took my hand before adding, "Will you?"

I forced my gaze away from him and looked off into the distance as I thought about it. I was curious. And I figured that the only way I would find out what the hell was going on was to go with him. But then again I felt like I was giving in to easily. Just as I had given up so easily when he brought me here. That was the reason he let me sleep in the same house with him and he did not lock me up. Or maybe I was just trying to survive. Either way I had to make a decision. I **was **awful curious.

"Fine. I will come." I finally said pulling my gaze back to him.

"Good. That is what I wanted to hear. We'll be leaving soon." He stood up releasing my hand as he went.

"Go inside and get ready. I'll come and get you when its time."

He didn't wait for me to tell him I understood before he walked away, leaving me sitting on the swing by myself once again.

We arrived on a boat. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as soon as I had gotten on the boat and spotted Walt. I had an even worse feeling when I caught sight of the dock and saw the group waiting for us to arrive. I knew immediately what was going on when I saw the four captives. I could feel Ben watching me, waiting for me to say something.

"What did you do?" I asked softly pulling my eyes away and staring at him.

"Just wait." He said, taking my hand as the boat came to a stop and then pulled me off the boat. I could feel all of their eyes on me and I wished I could just disappear so that they would stop. I closed my eyes wishing that this wasn't happening as soon as I got a look at who our 'visitors' were. Ben came to a stop and pulled me around to stand next to him making sure that everybody knew that I was there with him.

I did not want to look at them. I kept my eyes focused on the deck underneath my feet not wanting to see their accusing stares. Then I realized that the only reason he wanted me there was so that he could get a reaction out of Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley. To Ben this was all just a game.

"Hello again." Ben said breaking the silence that seemed like lasted forever. Then he turned to the man I believed was named Tom, but I was not quite sure considering most of the others stayed away from me.

"Where's your beard?" He asked in a tone that meant he was not at all please.

"I think they know." He replied apologetically holding up the fake beard. Ben released my hand and turned to Michael next.

"Alright, let's take care of business, shall we?" I glanced over my shoulder at Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley as I listened to what Ben was saying. I had no idea what he was talking about but I had a bad feeling about it.

"Ben…" I began but he turned giving me a look that immediately made me shut up.

"Go stand with Alex." He ordered me quietly as he began to walk away with Michael. I stood there for a moment staring at his back until he turned around and motioned for me to go over there. I reluctantly did as he said knowing that it was no use in making a scene.

Alex gave me an apologetic glance and I in turn smiled at her knowing that it wasn't her fault. This was all on Ben. Glancing down I caught Jack staring at me and I felt even worse.

**Flashback**

"_Hello Henry." I said smiling as I sat the tray of food down in front of him before adding, "I know that it's the same thing you had yesterday but…that's all I know how to make. I need to change your bandages before you eat too."_

"_What's your name?" It was the first time that he had spoken to me in the few days he had been there and I was surprised. _

"_Jocelyn…Dr. Jocelyn Carmichael." _

"_What kind of doctor are you?" _

"_I am a pediatric surgeon." I sat down next to him and grabbed the medical supplies I had brought in with me. I began to peel of the bandage on his shoulder trying to hurry before Jack came in telling me my time was up. I hated that I couldn't do what I wanted to but instead had to follow rules set by Jack. Who died and made him King? I did follow his rules though. I didn't have enough backbone to stand up to him…or maybe I just wanted to keep the peace so I kept my mouth shut and my head down. It was a good strategy for the most part. _

"_Jocelyn's a nice name." Henry stated once I finished cleaning his injury and bandaging him up. _

"_Thank you, Henry… I'm all done here." I sat there for a moment before standing up and picking up the supplies that I hadn't used._

"_Are you coming back tomorrow?" He asked suddenly once I had gotten to the door and was about to shut it._

"_I will try to come back but it's really up to Jack." I smiled at him apologetically feeling bad for the man before I shut the door leaving him to eat his dinner, which was actually just oatmeal. Yes, I surely did feel bad for the man. _

_Sitting down on the couch in the hatch, I continued to stare at the door feeling guilty for letting them lock him in there. I wished that I could have stopped them but Sayid told me very rudely that I didn't make those decisions. I had been giving him the silent treatment ever since even though I didn't think he really cared, but it made me feel much better. _

"_How is he?" I jumped about a foot high when Jack asked the question not realizing that he had been there the whole time._

"_What the hell, Jack!" I shouted placing my hand on my chest trying to calm my racing heart. _

_He laughed, sitting down next to me and muttered an apology._

"_He seems fine." I finally said once my heart got back to a somewhat normal pace. "He's talking now."_

"_What did he say?"_

"_He asked me my name and what I did for a living."_

"_Why did he ask that?" Jack questioned suspiciously, eyeing the door._

"_Jack those are normal questions." I stated laughing at his paranoia. I felt him get off the couch, my gaze flickered towards him, and I watched as he left the room, "They are normal questions." I yelled after him knowing that he could still hear me. I couldn't figure out what he was so worried about it wasn't like the guy had done anything to make us doubt his story. He was just like us. Stuck on this damn island and trying to survive._

**End of Flashback**

I forced myself to look away from Jacks' stare just in time to see Michael get on the boat and greet his son. Taking a deep breath, I turned back to Ben to see him staring at me as he walked towards us. He stopped in front of us motioning for me to come to him as one of the women began talking to Hurley. I moved away from the other three and towards Ben, passing Hurley and catching the last bit of what the woman was saying. They were letting him go. Sending him back to camp.

"What about my friends?" Hurley asked motioning towards the three then turning to motion towards me too. The tears started to fall then. I had been holding back not wanting Ben to see me cry. I don't know why. I think it was because of my pride. Or because I didn't want him to think of me as weak.

"Jocelyn, get a hold of yourself." Ben stated calmly before telling Hurley that we were going home with him.

Hurley stood there staring at all of us as if he was not for sure what to do.

"Hurley, go." I finally said breaking the silence as I tried to stop crying.

I didn't see what he did because I whirled around and began running. I did not really have a clue where I was running to until I made it to Ben's house where I opened the door and locked myself in his room. I could have run anywhere. I could have gone back to the camp or anywhere else for that matter but I didn't. I wasn't for sure why I went back but I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't because of him. Why would I come back here for him? There was no reason. I finally made myself believe that it was so I could make sure that Ben didn't do anything to Jack Kate and Sawyer even though I knew that wasn't the real reason…

**Author Note: I really hoped everyone liked this chapter even though it was more of filler. If you have a suggestion or comment then please leave a Review!**


	3. Absolute

Disclaimer: I don't own anything including the character.

**Absolute:**

**. . .**

_Quiet but I'm sure there is something here_

_Tell me everything 'cause I want you here_

_Quiet but I'm sure there is something here_

_Tell me everything 'cause I want to hear_

**. . .**

I was in his bed, wrapped in his blanket, surrounded by his smell. My tears fell onto his pillows as I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be fine. Everything would be fine…

I woke up lying on my stomach, the side of my face pressed into his now dry pillows. The comforter was thrown over my head leaving me feeling as if I couldn't breathe. Slowly I flipped from my stomach onto my back, dragging the heavy blanket off of me and sucking in a deep breath of the cool air that suddenly surrounded me. I closed my still swollen eyes and took several more deep breaths, all the while hoping the pounding in my head would eventually stop.

"Good morning, Jocelyn."

Letting out a yelp, I attempted to jump from the bed but only managed to get myself tangled in the blankets and ended up falling to the floor at his feet.

"I locked the door." I muttered, trying to untangle myself as my face got steadily redder. It seemed the more I tried to get out of the blankets the more I was caught in them. After a moment more of me struggling at his feet to untangle myself, Ben got out of his chair and carefully stepped over me before leaning down and helping me out of my predicament.

"It is my room, Jocelyn, so of course I would have a key. " He stated, calmly, dangling the key in front of my face.

I stared at it miserably before I picked myself up and sat down on the bed, placing my hands in my lap and looking down at them miserably,

"You look horrible.

I jerked my head up to look at him, my mouth falling open in disbelief. Benjamin Linus was the most rude and arrogant man I had ever met. Who told someone that? Of course I looked like crap, my plane had crashed on an island with smoke monsters and crazy 'others' who had taken me as one of their pets. Anyone would have looked like I did.

"Thanks, Ben." I finally said through gritted teeth, "It's so kind of you to notice."

I could feel him looking down at me as I focused on trying to get my hair out of its tangled messed. I tried to ignore him as he leaned down in front of me but his finger slipped under my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye.

"Your eyes are green." He stated simply my hands falling back into my lap. Slowly he moved his hand from under my chin and placed his palm on the side of my face. "I like them."

Ben let his fall away from my face looking down at the floor as he did. I stared at the top of his head trying to figure out all of the emotions that were running through me. I barely knew the man and what I did know of him I couldn't possibly like. At least I didn't think I could. However, there was something there. Something that I tried to ignore.

"How long have you been in here?" I broke the silence with my question, hoping that if I said something I would snap out of it and the emotions that seemed to be bearing down on me would disappear. I was wrong.

"A while."

"You've just….You've just been watching me sleep? That's kind of creepy, Ben."

"Why did you come to my room?" he questioned as he stood up and took a seat next to me on the bed.

"It was the only one with a lock." I laughed, my eyes flickering towards his face in time to see a hint of a smile.

We sat there in silence then. It wasn't an awkward silence like the many we had shared over the past week. This time was different. It was nice. That didn't mean I hadn't gotten over my anger at him though I just wasn't willing to bring it up and spoil the first feeling of being okay.

"You're a surgeon correct?"

The question caught me by surprise. I couldn't figure out why that would matter.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I have something I want to show you." He stood up holding out his hand for me to take. My gaze flickered from his hand to his face.

"There are two things that I hate, Ben. I hate being lied to and I hate being used. Ever since I came here that is all you have been doing."

My statement hung in the air between us for a moment before he let his hand drop to his side.

"Jocelyn, you don't understand…" He began his voice sounded gentle but I was too angry to care.

"How can I understand anything? All I am is a pawn in your little game!" I was off the bed and in his face trying to get some kind of reaction but he didn't say anything. We stood silently staring into each other's eyes not willing to be the first to break the stare.

"I am not using you…" He finally said

"I am not stupid, Ben! I know what you were doing. You made me come with you so that you could get in their heads. Make them wonder who would be flipped next."

"I did not make you come. You came yourself."

He had me there. He didn't force me to come he asked me and I said yes. But he knew what he was doing when he asked me and after all that was all that mattered.

"Will you come with me now?" He asked once I didn't begin arguing with him again. I closed my eyes and placed my head in the palm of my hand hoping that my headache would just disappear.

"Let's just go!" I sighed opening my eyes again.

"This is bad." I said, holding the x-rays up to the light as I studied the tumor "Ben, this is…"

"Can you do the surgery?" Ben asked from behind me. Slowly I lowered the x rays placing them on the desk before I turned around to look at him.

"I…I will need help from a neurosurgeon…From Jack." I spoke softly as I moved toward him.

"But you can do the surgery?"

_"Joss, stop beating yourself up. It wasn't your fault." Adam's voice soothed. _

_I was lying in my bed, the comforter thrown over my head. It was nice underneath the heavy blanket, letting the darkness wash over me. I could almost forget the boy's face._

_Almost._

_"Jocelyn, it isn't your fault that he died. Things happen." My brother repeated for the hundredth time since my breakdown started. _

_"No, things don't just happen, at least not things like that, Adam. I was his surgeon and he died because I…" I couldn't finish my sentence because I began crying again. I had done this surgery before. Removing tumors was something that I had done many times. This stuff wasn't new to me. I was not an intern. Why was this one so difficult? He was just a boy. Of course, I could blame it on the location; tumors near the spine were difficult to remove. I could blame it on the fact that he was so young; his body just couldn't take it. Even though there were many explanations for why he died I always came back to one reason in particular: I just wasn't as good as I thought I was. _

_"We both know that there was nothing you could do for him. He was gone. I am surprised you got as much out as you did."_

_"Adam, you are really not helping me right now."_

_"You are a surgeon. You have lost patients before. It never gets easy but you have to learn to cope with it. Every time you lose one you always act like this."_

_"Are you saying that I have lost a lot of patients? You think I am a horrible surgeon, don't you?" I cried._

"_Get a hold of yourself. I didn't say you were a bad surgeon. All I am saying is that doctors lose patients it happens they learn to cope with it and you haven't. You get to attached."_

_"That's what makes me good." I sniffled as I wiped my eyes on my covers._

_"No that's what makes you act like this." He stood up from the bed and began to pace around the room._

_"Maybe you should go and do something. You know to take your mind off of it."_

_"Like what?" I sat up in bed and pushed my hair away from my damp face._

_"I don't know go out with your friends. Go out."_

_I sat there for a minute as I thought about it. I bet going out would be good for me. Getting away from the city would be nice._

_"I always wanted to go to Australia."_

_"Whoa, I didn't say go out that far!"_

_"Yeah, I want to go to Australia."_

_"Now, Jocelyn…"_

_"Adam, you said to go out." I stated as I threw the blankets off and got out of the bed._

_"Jocelyn…"_

_"Adam…"_

_I thought it was brilliant. I had already started to forget how big of a screw up I was as I thought about how great a vacation would be._

"Jocelyn, can you do it?" Ben repeated his question, searching my face for an answer.

"I can't. You need Jack." I whispered, ducking my head in hopes that he didn't see the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Why not?"

"His name was Andrew, he was six years old and had a tumor located very near the backbone. I was already working as a general pediatric surgeon but I wanted to give pediatric neurosurgery a try because Adam had talked about how if he wasn't an anesthesiologist he would have studied to become a neurosurgeon because it was amazing. So I gave it a try and Andrew was my fourth or fifth patient that I had worked on in this particular field and it was going to be my first solo neurosurgery." I said softly, trying to swallow the lump that had formed before continuing "He died about halfway through. I don't know if it was something I did or if he just couldn't handle it. It didn't matter because I swore I was done with neuro."

Ben held my gaze for a moment before I looked away.

I licked my dry lips "You need Jack. I can't help you." I stated, shoving the x-rays back in his hand and walking out of the room.

* * *

**Author Note: I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope that everyone liked reading it. Like I said before if you have a suggestion or if you just want to comment leave a Review!**


	4. Falling

Disclaimer: I do not belong Lost or any of the characters associated with Lost. Title and lyrics property of Florence + The Machine

_**Falling:**_

_**. . .**_

_Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release_

_Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief_

_Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace_

_It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief_

_**. . .**_

"Jocelyn, did Alex ask about me?" Ben asked when I stepped forward to begin administering the anesthesia.

"No. They took her back home last night." I answered softly/

He didn't say anything but turned away from me. Before he had turned, I caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes and immediately felt horrible.

"She was worried about you though. I could tell." I lied, forcing a smile on my face even though he was not looking at me.

"Thank you." He said softly and I immediately knew that he knew I was lying.

"Okay, are you ready?" I asked softly, smiling down at him and placing my hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, I'm ready." He replied laying his head down.

"Alright if you could start counting down from twenty, Ben." I instructed. When his words began to fade, I stepped away from the table and walked around to stand beside Jack.

When he completely stopped counting, I knew that it was time to begin. I didn't feel panicky as I thought I would. I felt…fine. I didn't know what I was expecting; perhaps a breakdown or a panic attack. I waited but I felt as I did before all surgeries.

Jack glanced over at me and I nodded giving the signal to start.

"Scalpel." Jack demanded, starting the surgery.

I felt sure that everything would turn out fine. Ben would be okay. I would be okay. Yes, I was sure of it…

I had come to learn that whenever I felt sure that something would work out fine it never did. Everything had seemed to be fine until suddenly Jack went crazy and began cutting kidney sacs and demanding to speak with Kate.

It had been at least twenty minutes since the incision was made and during that time Jack and Juliet argued, Juliet and Tom argued, Tom and Jack argued. Jack and I screamed at one another. It was the most exhausting 20 minutes of my life.

I had finally sat down in on the rotating stool by the operating table and had been doing semi circles, listening to the heart monitor while Jack, Juliet and Tom did their own thing, which mostly consisted of bickering between one another.

"Is that what you call asking me to kill Ben while on the operating table? Make it look like an accident?"

I whirled around slowly in the chair and my eyes flickered between Juliets' shocked face and Jacks angry one. The whole situation reminded me of a soap opera that I once caught on TV when there was literally nothing else on.

"What … What is with you people?" I asked, throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation. They didn't pay any attention to me though, instead they began talking/yelling over each other. I finally realized that they were out of their minds and I was the only semi sane one in the room, which the more I thought about was pretty scary.

"This is ridiculous." Juliet said looking between both Tom and me. I caught myself before nodding in agreement with her. It was all pretty ridiculous actually. I had never seen so many people trying to kill one person before. It was as if all civilized thoughts and actions had flown straight out the window, leaving them depraved savages. Perhaps that was what the island did to us; made us into savages, all just trying to survive anyway we could.

"She wants Ben to die. She said if I did it that she would protect me." Jack then put in. My head had begun to throb as I continued to sit next to Ben watching the two dig themselves into deeper holes. Honestly, I didn't care about anything that they were saying, I was instead beginning to worry about who would finish the surgery or if anyone would. I could finish the surgery if I had to, I knew I could but I wasn't sure if Ben would survive it. The boy hadn't. What would I do if Jack simply refused until I finally had to step in? Of course, I knew what I would do; I would finish the operation and pray that Ben survived. It was something that I didn't want to think about until I had to.

Swallowing hard, I shook my head trying to rid myself of my thoughts and then attempted to tune back into what the other three were saying.

"Tom, Jocelyn, he is lying! I don't know what you're trying to do, Jack, but..." I wasn't sure how I wound up in the middle of their fight or why she was trying to convince me that she was innocent. Just because I was living with the man didn't make me anything of importance nor did it mean she had to convince me of anything.

"ENOUGH! Juliet, get out." Tom yelled, making my head pulsate worse.

"Do we really need to yell?" I asked, placing my head in my hands and attempted to rub the ache out of my temples.

No one answered me, but kept arguing amongst themselves until Juliet finally stormed out. I thanked the lord as soon as the door closed, hoping that with her departure there would be some much needed silence.

"Is it true?" I heard Tom ask Jack. Slowly I raised my head up to watch Jack as he answered.

"Is what true?" Jack was studying the monitor as he asked the question.

"What the hell do you think, Jack?" I yelled from where I was sitting getting extremely fed up with this whole conversation. All I wanted to do was stitch Ben up and be on my way.

I caught a look from Tom that told me to keep my mouth shut. I glared at him not caring what he wanted me to do. He was not my boss in fact I barely even knew the man and I was not going to be ordered around by him.

"Yeah, and in about 40 minutes she's going to get her wish." Jack stated ignoring both of us giving each other looks.

"No, she isn't." I finally said, turning my gaze toward Jack.

"What are you going to do, Jocelyn?"

"What is that supposed to mean? You don't think I can do it? I am a good surgeon and I can and will take over if I have to." I stated trying to stay calm though my face had already begun to turn a bright shade of red.

"If you are such a good surgeon then why I am here?"

I opened my mouth, preparing an angry reply when Ben's voice cut off the words before they had even left my mouth "Hey, that's not helping anything. Now, could somebody please get Juliet?"

At the sound of his tired voice I jumped out of my seat and glanced across the room at Jack

"Jocelyn…" Jack began, a look of disbelief in his eyes.

"Jack, I am a surgeon, not an anesthesiologist." I stated in a panicked tone as I tried to figure out what I should do.

"Jocelyn, go get Juliet." Tom barked from beside me. I turned to look at him, my mouth open, ready to argue when Ben cut in for me.

"No, she stays here. You go. Tom."

Tom didn't argue with Ben but he didn't look to happy about leaving his leader in a room with Jack and me.

"Are you in pain?" I asked softly before adding, "Because I can give-"

"No, I am fine." He replied before I could finish.

I nodded my head even though he couldn't see me. Glancing up, I caught Jack staring at me, a look of realization on his face that confused me. Before I could think any more on it Jack looked away, down at Ben and informed him "I stopped the surgery."

"I know. I've been able to hear you for a few minutes now. It's very clever of you. I should have seen it coming."

Nothing more was said between the three of us until Juliet and Tom entered the room again.

"I'd like to speak with Juliet alone."

"No." Jack shook his head no glancing up at Juliet as he did so "No, I'm sorry."

"Please, I'm asking you one gentleman to another. It won't hurt you to give me three minutes, will it - knowing I have only 27 left?"

Jack stared at him for a moment more before walking to the door saying something to Juliet as he left.

Both Tom and I followed behind him, meeting him in the observation room. I stood at the large window, my arms crossed, staring down at the two of them talk.

"They've got history." Tom stated as he moved to stand next to me. I moved my head slightly to look up at him.

"What do you mean by history?" I asked, not liking the sound of it one bit.

"If I didn't know any better I would think you were jealous, Jocelyn." Tom laughed turning his gaze to me.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" I had forgotten Jack was even there until he asked the question, coming to stand next to me.

"What the hell are you talking about?" My voice was far sharper than I wish it had been and my arms had dropped to my side.

"Just tell me. Are you?" Jack pulled his gaze away from mine and looked back down at Juliet and Ben, waiting for me to answer him.

"This is absurd…it…this…what?" I stumbled over my words not knowing what to say.

"I think I have my answer." Jack stated walking past me to meet Juliet who had begun walking out of the room below.

I stood there with Tom for a moment more and continued to look down at Ben. Maybe I was in love with him. No . No I wasn't in love with him.

"You better get down there. It looks like Jack is going to finish the surgery." Tom's voice drew me out of my contradicting thoughts and I looked up at him for a second before leaving the observation room to join Jack and Ben once again.

* * *

"Are you okay?" I laughed softly, glancing away from my blood drenched gloves that were working away on Ben to catch a look at the very ill looking Tom.

"Yeah… I just don't like blood very much."

"Well, then you probably won't want to be looking at that." Jack said as he held up a chunk of tissue before tossing it into the tray "So, if you really can get off the island why didn't you just take him to a facility? Why all this?"

Tom was about to answer when blood started to spurt everywhere and the heart monitor began to beep.

"Damn it, Jack." I yelled as I tried to find the damaged artery

"What the hell happened?" Tom yelled as he began to move forward but thought better of it and stayed where he was.

"He nicked an artery." I answered for him as we began to try and stop the bleeding.

"I thought he already did that."

"He did, only that was on purpose." I muttered, barely able to think through the sounds of the monitors crazy beeping.

"What happened? Is he…."

"Tom, shut up!" I yelled before turning to Jack "I can't see anything. There is too much blood. Jack, get the suction."

"You do it. I can get it fixed faster." He stated, trying to push me out of the way. I wasn't budging though. I wasn't going to let him think that I was some horrible doctor who couldn't repair a nicked artery.

"Jack! Get me the suction" I demanded forcefully, not taking my away from the area.

Jack didn't argue this time but did as I said thankfully. If there was one thing I could do it was fixing nicked arteries considering my internship had been full of them.

"His heart rate is increasing." Jack stated trying to tell me to hurry up and get it repaired.

"I know" I replied trying my best to get the bleeding under control.

"Jack, are you there?" Kate's voice said over the walkie talkie

"Get me that." I heard him yell at Tom, taking the suction away.

"Jack. Jack!" I yelled, more blood feeling the body cavity, leaving me blind as I tried my best to continue working. I glanced up for a moment, watching Tom hand him the radio.

"Jack!" I yelled again before turning to Tom "Take the suction." I said as calmly as possible

"What? No…"

"Tom, he will die if I don't stop the bleeding." I informed him calmly, using the voice that I would when I spoke to the children.

Tom looked down at Ben and then back up at me before he stepped forward and too the suction.

"Okay, Tom, this is going to be really very simple, I promise. All you have to do is suck up the blood. Okay? You understand? Good. You have to be very easy though." I informed him, guiding him through the process as I would one of the interns at the hospital, keeping both of us calm at the same time.

By the time I had stopped the bleeding, Jack had joined us back at the table.

"You did very well. I can finish the rest." Jack said softly, taking over. I nodded my head and began for the door ripping of my gloves as I went. Once outside, I pulled my mask off and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until I was sitting on the cold floor.

He was going to be fine. He wasn't going to die on me. Placing my head in my hands, I tried to soothe my aching head, waiting for the surgery to finally be over.

* * *

**Author Note: I know that this is not my best chapter but I needed something to really jumpstart the feelings that Ben and Jocelyn share with each other and this was the only way I could think to do it. I will try to make the next chapter better but I hope that everybody enjoyed this one. Please Read and Review!**


	5. Unsaid

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that are associated with Lost. Title and lyrics property of The Fray. **

**Unsaid:**

_**. . . **_

_**Not that you're the one  
Not to say I'm right  
Not to say today  
And not to say a thing tonight**_

_**But suffice it to say  
We're leaving things unsaid  
We sing ourselves to sleep  
Watching the day lie down instead**_

_**. . .**_

I glanced out the window and into the dark just in time to see their torches. Quickly, I grabbed my sweater from the arm of the couch putting it on over my nightgown before I walked out into the night air.

I greeted Tom, Jack, Juliet and the 2 men that where carrying Ben on the stretcher with a nod of my head.

"Where do you want us to put him, Jocelyn?" Tom asked, coming to a stop in front of me.

"The bedroom." I said waving my hand over my shoulder, slightly turning towards the house before adding, "Do you want me to show you?"

"No, we've got it from here." He replied already walking toward the house. As they passed by me with the cot containing Ben, he reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing it before letting go allowing them to take him inside.

I stood in the dark a moment or two longer breathing in the night air, feeling relieved that he was finally back. I had come back right after the surgery and had been alone since, waiting for them to be able to transport him. Alex had come the night before but she had been awful quiet and it had been driving me mad. It would be nice to talk to someone again.

Taking one last deep breath, I turned and walked back to the house.

By the time I had gotten inside Tom and the others had already set Ben up in his room and were getting ready to leave.

"We're going to take Jack over to the house where he's going to stay until it's time for him to leave." Tom said as he came out of Ben's room with the other two men and Jack who had followed along to ensure that they were careful when placing him in the hospital bed that they had moved into his room the night before.

I nodded and walked them to the door where we said our goodbyes. I watched until they disappeared into the house that they had specially set up for Jack.

Slowly I walked to Ben's room and opened the door.

"Hey." I said softly "Can I come in?"

"Of course."

"How do you feel?" I sat down in the chair next to the bed as I asked my question.

"I feel fine."

"That's good." I had gotten out of the chair again not knowing why I had even bothered to sit down and begun arranging the blankets on the bed just for something to do with my hands. I felt his hand touch the back of mine and I stopped. I have no clue why I did what I did next. It was like something just kept saying do it do it. And I did it.

I leaned down and before I could stop myself and my lips were on his. I kept yelling at myself in my head 'what are you doing?' but I couldn't stop myself.

I finally made myself pull away from him, my face burning red.

"Tom told me about the conversation you had with Jack in the observation room."

The statement hung in the air between us and I didn't know how to respond. Slowly I straightened up and watched his face for a moment. I felt embarrassed and angry that Tom would share my conversation. Not knowing what to say, I began to leave, making it all the way to the door with his eyes boring into my back when he said it.

"You know that you are mine don't you?" it was more of a statement than a question and it made me turn to stare at him again.

"Ben, you don't even know me." I sighed, wrapping the sweater I was wearing tightly around me. It wasn't cold in the room, hell, it wasn't even cold outside, I just needed something to do with my hands. I felt awkward standing in the doorway with him staring at me as if he knew some secret I was keeping.

"I know you far better than you think I do. I know that your mother, Sara, left when you were barely five, leaving your father, who was a police officer, to raise you himself. I also know that you were at the bottom half of your class in medical school…"

"I was not in the bottom half." My voice was sharp as I tried to deny his statement. He gave me a knowing look that made me throw my hands up in the air before admitting, "Fine, I was in the bottom half! How do you know all of this?"

"You didn't think I wouldn't look into your past did you? I had to make sure that you were strong enough for this." He made a swooping motion with his hand as he spoke.

"And if I wasn't? What would you do then, Ben?" I took a step closer to his bed, my face flushing with anger. I didn't appreciate his snooping into my private life. If he had wanted to know I would have told him but he didn't ask. Instead he went behind my back and looked up every aspect of my life.

"It simple really, I would have never taken you from the hatch."

"So you would have let Michael kill me?"

"No. I wouldn't have let him kill you."

I shook my head not believing that he was actually saying this before I started for the door again. I was already out of the room and about to close the door behind me when he asked me another question.

"Why did you kiss me?"

It took me a second or two to come up with an answer because I really didn't know why I had done it myself. But then it came to me.

"Because Ben…you're mine." I stated before turning around not bothering to shut the door behind me. I heard him chuckle as I walked away.

**Author Note: I know that this is super short compared to my last chapter but I hope everybody liked it still. If you would like to make a suggestion or just leave a comment, please leave a review!**


	6. Over My Head

**Over My Head:**

**. . .**

_I never knew_

_I never knew that everything was falling through_

_That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue_

_To turn and run when all I needed was the truth_

_But that's how it's got to be_

_It's coming down to nothing more than apathy_

_I'd rather run the other way than stay and see_

_The smoke and who's still standing when it clears_

**. . .**

"Ben, do you love me?" I asked from the chair beside his bed as I thumbed through a book. My legs were hanging over the side of one of the chair arms and my head was resting on the back of the seat.

"What kind of question is that?" He chuckled

"It's a question that you have yet to answer." I laughed looking up from the book. It had been about two weeks since the 'you're mine' incident. We had not talked about it since then but things were different from what they had been before. They were more comfortable. I found that we talked much more than at the beginning and it was so much easier to laugh with him now.

Ben sighed and was about to answer my question when the door opened.

"Oh good, Alex, you're here." I said not looking up from the book that I was still flipping through.

"John!" Ben voice was frantic as he said his name. At first, I didn't understand until I looked up. John Locke had just closed the door and was currently holding a gun pointed at Ben. It always seemed that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Panicking I slammed the book closed throwing my feet onto the ground and began to stand up.

"John…" I started but was cut off by him telling me to keep my voice low and to sit back down. I glanced over at Ben trying to figure out if I should listen to Locke when he nodded his head in approval.

"John, you don't need to point your gun at people. We will tell you where Jack is." I said as I slowly took my seat again.

"So you are with them now are you?" Locke asked softly turning his gaze back to me his gun still pointed at Ben.

I opened my mouth to tell Locke that whom I was with didn't matter when Ben answered for me.

"Of course she is with us John."

Locke tore his gaze away from me and turned it back to Ben.

"I'm not looking for Jack. I'm looking for the submarine." I couldn't see his face as he spoke but I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I'm not sure what you mean, John. What submarine?" Ben finally said, breaking eye contact from me.

"The one you use to travel to and from the island. The one your man Mikhail told me about, right before I killed him."

"John, there is no submarine…" I began, shaking my head for emphasis.

"Dad? Is Jocelyn in there?" Alex's voice came from the other side of the door and I bounded out of the chair but as I reached the door John had a hold of my arm and was pulling me away.

"Alex, don't come in here!" I yelled my voice sounding more frightened than I wish it had. Locke let go of my arm and I backed up until I was sitting on the bed with Ben watching as he opened the door grabbing Alex bringing her in the room with us.

"What do you-? What-? Jocelyn? Dad?" Alex squealed as she was forced in the room with us. Locke quickly covered her mouth muttering to us to tell her to be quiet.

"Alex, you have to be quiet. Please." I begged scooting forward on the bed.

"Ben?" Tom call from outside and relief flooded my body for a moment "Are you awake?"

I watched in horror as Locke dragged a struggling Alex to the closet. I began to get up from the bed to go after them when Ben tugged on the back of my shirt forcing me to sit on the bed again.

"I'm coming in…" Tom warned as Locke shut the closet door.

I turned partially toward Ben, panic taking over my brain.

"Calm down." He ordered softly, grasping my hand as he did "What is it?" He asked in a louder voice, his eyes watching Richard and Tom walk into the room with us.

Tom didn't even glance my way as he began to talk but it didn't matter because my mind couldn't comprehend what he was saying anyway because I was concentrating on keeping the fake smile plastered on my face.

As Tom and Richard began to leave again Ben stopped them, asking Richard to stay. I threw a look at him, my smile beginning to falter. I just wanted them out of the house before I blurted something out that would get us all killed.

"I want you to bring me the man from Tallahassee." I narrowed my eyes in confusion as I looked between the two men.

"Who?" I asked in my confusion temporarily forgetting that Locke was still in the closet.

"Not now, Jocelyn." Ben stated curtly, not even bothering to look my way as he spoke.

"What do you need him for?" Richard questioned taking a step toward the bed. I

"Just do it. Now." Ben ordered without further explanation.

"Okay."

It was a few moments after Richard left that Locke drug Alex back out of the closet. The first thing that Locke did was check to make sure the two men had left before returning to the room.

"The man from Tallahassee? What is that? Some kind of code?" Of course, it had been a code and I, being an idiot, brought attention to the fact. I was more upset at Ben than myself though just for the fact that there were codes that I had no knowledge of.

"No, John, unfortunately we don't have a code for 'There's a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter's head.' Although we obviously should." Ben answered, though for all I knew he was lying and it was in fact a code.

"Sayid has a pack with him" Locke began, pointing his gun towards both Ben and I. "I want her to go get it." He continued, motioning with his free hand to Alex.

"I'll go get it." I jumped from the bed pulling my hand out of Bens grasp as I went.

"I want her to go get it." Locke said again as he glanced between Ben and me.

"She hates him…So holding him hostage isn't going to do any good…" I took a step closer to Alex forcing Locke to point his gun at me instead. I doubted very seriously that he was going to shoot me but I still didn't like him pointing his gun at me.

"Jocelyn…" Alex began shaking her head no when I glanced at her before she turned to look at Locke "I'll get the bag"

"I am going with her!" I said forcibly as I made my move to stand next to her grabbing her upper arm as I went.

Locke watched me for a moment and I knew before he said it that he was going to let me go. It was not that I was going to tell anybody about him being there but I didn't feel comfortable sending a girl to go fetch things from someone who hated her.

"Fine." He sighed "But if you say anything to anyone I will kill him."

"Of course." I agreed, grabbing Alex by the arm and pulling her out of the room.

Alex and I didn't say anything to each other as we walked toward the swing set.

"What do you see in him?" Alex asked before we actually made it all the way there.

"What?" I asked, freezing mid step. She walked a bit further before stopping and turning around to look at me.

"My dad, what do you see in him? He did kidnap you and he locked your people up then he forced both you and Jack to do his surgery…"

"Your father didn't force me to do anything. I chose to do it. And as for the kidnapping, it was either that or Michael killing me. I preferred the kidnapping. Your father has been very kind to me."

"What about the day at the dock?"

"He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. I could have said no but I didn't; I made the decision. I am not saying that he didn't have an alternate motive because we both know he did but he did not force me, Alex." I replied glancing over her shoulder watching Ryan and Sayid as they watched us before glancing back at her and adding "come on." before starting towards the two men.

"You two aren't supposed to be here." Ryan said once we had made it to the swing set.

"My father sent us to get his pack." Alex explained motioning towards Sayid as she did.

"Why?"

"We don't have time for this; just give us the pack, Ryan." I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest, waiting impatiently for him to do as I asked. I didn't particularly care for Ryan Pryce. I thought he was rude and he hated my guts for some odd reason. I couldn't figure out why. I was always very nice to him. Always.

"Just because you're shacked up with Ben doesn't mean you give the orders around here. I think you have gotten a little too comfortable here missy." He said gruffly.

My mouth fell open in shock "Did you just call me missy? You are the most rude—"

"You're Alex aren't you?" Sayid asked suddenly, cutting me off in the process. I threw a glare Ryan's way before turning my head to look at Sayid.

"Hey! Shut it!" Ryan shouted as he grabbed the pack and handed it to me.

"Thank you." I muttered, turning on my heels and attempting to drag Alex with me but she shrugged off my grasp and continued to stare at Sayid. I turned slightly around to glance between her and Sayid.

"Alex…" I started my eyes flickering away from her toward the house and then back.

"How do you know my name?" She asked, keeping her eyes trained on his face.

"Because you look like your mother…"

"My mother's dead." Alex said frowning.

"I'm sure that's what they told you" He turned to look at me with this last statement but before I could defend myself Ryan was up and hitting him over the head. I rolled my eyes at the man and his need for violence.

"Get going." He growled, taking his seat again.

"Alex, let's go." I stated through clenched teeth while I glared at Ryan. I didn't wait for her to agree with me before I began walking off hoping that she would follow.

There was silence between the two of us on the short walk back to the house. I didn't know what to say to here. Was Alex's mom still alive? If she was, where was she? Did she just abandon her daughter? I had never thought to ask Ben about her mom but now I wish I had. I wish I knew what to say to her, but to tell the truth I had never really had a mom myself.

My mom was a real piece of work. She had walked out on my dad, leaving him to raise two kids by himself. All because she had 'fallen in love' with someone else. She broke up with the guy a few months later because she met another guy that she swore up and down was the right one. After that, I didn't hear from her again until after I had graduated medical school and had become a resident at the hospital I was working at. The only reason I heard from her then was because her son needed surgery.

_**Flashback**_

_"Hello." I greeted, walking into the hospital room with his medical charts in my hand. I glanced up, a smile plastered on my face, before saying, "I am Dr. Carmichael and since your usual doctor is on vacation I will be performing your surgery this morning."_

_"Carmichael?" The woman asked, a strange look coming over her face. I glanced away from the little boy for a moment to meet her eyes. She was a pretty, older woman with red curls and blue eyes. There was something almost familiar about her but I couldn't place my finger on exactly what it was._

_"Yes. Dr. Jocelyn Carmichael." I held out my hand for her to shake but she took a step back, her eyes flickering between my hand and my face. My smile faded a bit and after a moment, I slowly let my hand drop to my side._

_I cleared my throat awkwardly and turned back to the boy to begin explain exactly what the surgery consisted of in kid friendly terms before I left the room to let the nurses and interns prep him. _

_"You don't remember me do you?" The mother asked following me outside. I_

_"Excuse me?" I asked, turning halfway around._

_"You don't remember me." The woman said slowly, taking a step toward me._

_"I'm sorry…I don't think we've met." I said, forcing a smile_

_"Jocelyn, it's me. It's mom."_

_For a moment, I stood there feeling like I couldn't breathe, shock running through my body. I blinked several times trying to comprehend what was being said. _

_"Look at you. A doctor!" She came forward placing her hand on my cheek "Is Adam a doctor too?"_

_All I could do was nod my head yes because my mouth couldn't seem to work._

_"A surgeon?"_

_"He's an Anesthesiologists," I muttered numbly, staring at the woman who abandoned me._

_"Oh, you look just beautiful. I always imagined you would be this pretty." She smiled taking her hand away from my face._

_"What are you…That boy in there…?"_

_"Yes, he's your brother. Half-brother." She turned to look through the window at the boy, a hand held video game in his hand, "You can't say anything to him though." She added hastily, turning back to me._

_"What?" I asked slowly, the shock starting to wear off._

_"You can't say anything to him. My husband is going to be here soon too. I would appreciate it if you…you know…would keep this between us. Sort of like our little secret." She replied, a smile on her face and her tone sounding as if she were talking to a child._

_There was a moment of silence after this request where I just couldn't seem to say anything out of the shock, anger and disbelief raging through my body. _

_"Why did you even say anything to me then?" I asked angrily and a bit confused_

_"Well…I thought that if you knew he was your brother you would do a better job at, you know, his surgery. He's my baby and I don't trust the others. They may not take the care that a sibling would."_

_I stared at this woman, my mother, in disbelief._

_"You are out of you mind." I laughed, shocked and full of disbelief and anger._

_"I am just trying to save my sons life! You don't know what it is like to watch your child suffer…"_

_"Don't give me that bullshit. You left two children…you left us…You have no idea what that did to Adam. You want to talk about suffering you should have watched how your leaving affected dad. You are despicable and I am not doing this surgery. Dr. Hewitt will have to do it." I turned on my heels and stalked off, angry tears burning the back of my eyes…_

_**End of Flashback**_

"Did you have any problems?" Locke asked grabbing the pack from my hand the moment we reentered the house.

Alex shook her head and I simply shrugged, though only Ben had his eyes trained on me.

"OK, here's how this is going to work. She's going to take me to the sub." Locke began, pointing his finger at Alex, before continuing, "Once we're there, I'll let her go"

"John, she's done enough. Let me take you." Ben protested.

"I don't want you to slow me down."

"Then let Jocelyn show you. She knows the way." Ben began again, trying to move his wheelchair closer to where we were standing.

"No, she is going to take me." Locke stated, moving toward the door. Alex glanced my way and we held each other's gaze for a moment before she followed the man outside, leaving Ben and I alone once more. When the door clicked close behind the two, the room fell into silence as I stared at the door, not knowing what to.

"Where is Alex's mom?" I asked suddenly, surprising myself by the question.

"What?"

I turned slowly to face Ben.

"Her mother, where is she?" I repeated, meeting his eye.

"Jocelyn now is not the time." He said, placing his head in his hands, breaking eye contact.

"Sayid told her she looked just like her mother. How would Sayid know what her mother looked like? He also said that you lied when you said her mother was dead." I stated calmly, taking a seat on one of the stool placed at the counter.

Ben dropped his hands away from his face and jerked his eyes up to look at my face.

"What did Alex say?"

"She didn't say anything. However, I could tell that she was trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. Let's face facts here, Ben, she can't stand you. She thinks that you are manipulative and can't be trusted and she's right."

"Does she really think that about me?" He asked a hint of sadness in his tone. Suddenly I felt like a monster. "I knew that she was upset over the whole Karl thing but…"

"Of course she is upset, Ben, she is in love with him. I know that you don't like it, but she is old enough to-"

"No! You don't understand what will happen…"

"Your right, I don't understand because you won't explain it to me. You won't explain anything to me!" I yelled, more frustrated than angry.

"If she gets pregnant, she will die." He stated simply.

I narrowed my eyes in confusion as I processed his explanation, trying to figure out how exactly becoming pregnant would kill her. The only thing I could come up with was that he would kill her though it seemed more plausible that he would kill Karl.

"Umm … what?"

"All the women that get pregnant on the island die. We don't know why it just…they just die." He siged.

"They just…die?" I asked, still not fully understanding his explanation. People didn't just die. There was always a reason and pregnancy wasn't just one of them. Sure, women died all of the time while pregnant but they died, not because of the baby they carried, but because their body just wasn't able to carry a baby. There was always a medical reason.

"Yes, Jocelyn. They get pregnant and then they die."

"Is that why Juliet is here?" I questioned, remembering Juliet saying that she was a fertility specialist or something another though I never asked why she was on the island. The only think besides what she did for a living that I knew about the woman was that she hated Ben and the island.

"Yes." He answered and we fell back into silence, each lost in our own thoughts.

I almost brought up Alex's mom again but decided against it, not in the mood to argue until he finally spit it out. Plus, I wasn't for sure if I was ready to know about the woman, partly because I was scared to hear that he still loved her though I didn't know why.

"Ben, what the hell are we going to do?" I sighed, breaking the silence.

"About what?"

"Everything. This whole mess that we are in. That you are in. Why does he even want to go to the submarine?"

"He wants to blow it up." Ben sounded quite calm as he spoke. For a moment, I thought he sounded like he didn't care that Locke was trying to blow up his stuff.

"What is up with this island that makes people go crazy?" I asked, jumping from my chair to begin pacing the room. Jack and Juliet would freak out if something happened to that submarine. Why was Ben not trying to stop him?

"Yes." Ben answered suddenly bringing my pacing to a stop as I stared at him with a questioning look on my face. What the hell was he saying yes to?

"What?" I threw my hands up in the air not particularly in the mood for all of these games he was playing.

"I was just answering your question from earlier." He replied, watching me closely but I still didn't understand. I had asked many questions earlier. Then it hit me.

"Ben, I was just playing…" I began carefully. My heart was hammering against my chest and I was searching his face to see if he was messing with me. It wasn't possible to fall in love this fast. Especially with everything that had happened since the day we met. At least I didn't think it was.

"Do you love me?" He questioned.

I took a deep breath, searching for something to say.

"I have all of these feelings that I have never had before but I don't know if that means I am in love with you. I can't figure you out. I don't know anything about you either. I just…I am so confused right now."

Ben watched me for a long time or at least what felt like a long time before his next statement.

"Jocelyn, you will love me." He stated very softly before he added in a louder voice "I'm hungry is there anything to eat?"

**Author Note: This was a super long chapter compared to my other ones and I hope that everyone liked it.**


	7. Ungodly Hour

_Ungodly Hour:_

. . .

_Don't talk, don't say a thing_

'_Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words_

_Don't go, don't leave me now_

_Cause they say the best way out is through_

_And I am short on words knowing what's occurred_

_She begins to leave because of me_

_. . ._

"I don't want that."

"Ben there is nothing else."

"Well how about that?"

"That is for tomorrow night." Both Ben and I were crowded around the refrigerator trying to find something that looked good to our growling stomachs." Here what about some eggs." I said grabbing the bowl of eggs from the refrigerator and turning around to place them on the counter.

I jumped about a foot in the air dropping the bowl on the floor when I caught sight of Jack and Juliet standing behind us.

"Dear God, do you people not know how to knock!" I yelled throwing my hands to my chest and leaning against the counter next to the refrigerator. "Great now I have to clean that up." I added through gritted teeth, motioning with my other hand to the mess on the floor.

"Hello Jack. Juliet." Ben ignored me as he wheeled around to face the two.

"Look, I know you don't owe me anything, but I need to ask you for one last favor." Jack began right away as I leaned down to pick up the shells and toss them into the bowl that they had been sitting in while in the refrigerator. "I need you to let my friends go. After I'm gone."

I stopped picking shells to glance at Ben to see his reaction. He didn't look phased by the request but just kept watching Jack.

"And if I said no? Would that stop you from leaving?" Ben asked in a pleasant tone.

"Of course it would." I couldn't see Jacks face when he spoke since I was taking my time cleaning up the mess that I had made. I preferred it this way. I hated having to sit in a room with Jack or anybody from camp for that matter because I felt like a traitor. Maybe I was. I did like it there with Ben and I didn't want to leave but that…that didn't make me a traitor, did it?

"Your friends are only here to rescue you, but you seem to be doing a good job of rescuing yourself, so... I suppose there's no reason to keep them here." My eyes focused in on Ben as he spoke and I was trying to figure out what he was playing at.

"Do I have your word on that?"

Ben wheeled closer to Jack and I could see him shake Jacks hand before saying "You have my word." I knew that there was something more to this there had to be "I'll let them go just as soon as you have left the island." And there it was. I knew the moment the words came out of his mouth what he was doing. He didn't want them to leave.

Slowly I stood up with the bowl in my hand before placing it on the counter letting my eyes flicker between Jack, Juliet and Ben who paid me no attention.

"Thank you, Ben, for keeping your promise." Juliet said softly before walking out of the house with Jack leaving Ben and I alone. I felt horrible as soon as the words came out of her mouth. How could Ben do something this cruel?

I walked around the counter and past Ben to check out the window to make sure they were gone before turning to face him once more.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked sharply, moving closer to him.

"I don't know what you mean." He stared at me a slight smile on his lips as he spoke.

"You know damn well what I mean, Ben."

"No, I am afraid not."

I shook my head not believe that he was doing this.

"This is just what you wanted, isn't it? You never wanted him to leave, did you?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

"I kept my promise, Jocelyn I told them that they could leave in the morning and they can…if the submarine is still there that is. You have to understand that if my people watch Jack leave they will see me as weak. I could have killed him but that would have been cheating and that would be the end of me because everyone saw me give him my word that he could leave. So when John came, saying he was going to blow up the submarine it was like a dream come true. It was what I had been waiting for."

"Is this all just a game to you? These are people lives!" I was now yelling, angry tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Jocelyn, why do you care so much what happens to them? They think you're a traitor. You are just as bad as me in their eyes."

The worst part was that he was right. I remembered the way they looked that day on the dock. To them I was a traitor but to me I was just trying to survive. It seemed easier with Ben and the others. I didn't worry as much as I did when we first crashed. I hadn't even thought about wanting to get off the island since I came to the Barracks.

Taking a shaky breath, I sat down on the stool at the kitchen counter and wiped at my eyes wishing that I didn't cry so much. I closed my eyes and placed my head on the cool counter top. It was silent for a few moments until Alex came in.

I lifted my head up watching the door close behind her. She froze when she caught sight of both of us and stood there for a moment longer, just staring, until finally she forced herself to keep walking toward her bedroom, glancing over her shoulder once or twice until she finally disappeared out of view.

"I'm going to bed." I said once I heard her door click shut. A headache had begun to form and my eye lids felt like sandpaper from all the crying I had done. I was thoroughly exhausted by the events of the night and all I wanted was to lie down and let sleep claim me. As I passed him to get the steps that led to my room, he grabbed my wrist forcing me to stop.

"Jocelyn…"

"Ben, I don't want to talk right now." I stated even though I knew that was not the reason he had stopped me. I almost leaned down to give him the kiss that he wanted but I was still so angry at him and I refused to give him what he wanted. After all, giving him what he wanted was all I had been doing since the moment I had arrived at the barracks. I knew I probably wouldn't stay mad at him long, after all he was all I had left at this point, but tonight…tonight I was going to be mad at him.

. . .

_Her bag is now much heavier_

_I wish that I could carry her_

_But this is our ungodly hour_

. . .

**Author Note: I know that this is not a very long chapter but I hope that everybody still enjoyed it! Please Read and Review**


	8. Without Reason

**Without Reason:**

_. . ._

_I do it on a whim, it's right without reason_

_Whatever comes to mind I'll pull it from thin air._

_I've learned to improvise to fill my time_

_I don't want to live this life,_

_No I don't want to live this life without reason._

_. . ._

"What are you doing?" Ben questioned, pausing for a moment to stare at me standing at the kitchen counter.

I didn't look up from the sandwich I was carefully making as I answered, "I'm making a sandwich for Kate." Then I braced myself for the oncoming fight.

"No." He stated in a calm, serious voice. It was a tone used only by a man that was used to people giving in to him; at least that was how it came off to me.

"Ben, you can't tell me not to make a sandwich!" I sighed, finally looking up to meet his eyes

"I don't want you going near them." I rolled my eyes as I finished making the sandwich.

"Why not? Do you think I am going to let them go free?" I placed both hands on the counter and watched him over the counter.

"I don't want you to get hurt." He stated calmly before he walked up beside me and reached over taking the sandwich. I glared at him as he took a bite of it and then placed it back on the plate before leaving the room.

I stared down at the sandwich before angrily taking it and throwing it and the plate in the trash can. If he wanted to be a big baby that was fine with me. I would just make another sandwich. That was exactly what I did.

Once I finished I walked to the living room and moved the curtain away from the window to see if Juliet was still sitting on the bench. She was. She had been there all morning long just sitting there. I had actually begun to worry about the woman. I took a deep breath before dropping the curtain and walking back to the kitchen to grab the plate.

I walked outside and made my way to Juliet. I smiled at her as she glanced up at me.

She gave me a sort of half smile and I sat down on the bench next to her placing the plate on my lap.

"I'm sorry about the submarine."

"It's not your fault." She said softly and I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. She wasn't looking at me but off in the distance and the look on her face broke my heart.

"What's the sandwich for?" She asked suddenly pointing down at the plate that sat in my lap.

"Oh this is for Kate…but Ben refuses to let me near anyone that was on the flight with me. So I was wondering if you would take it to her."

Juliet smiled at me and nodded her head before I handed her the plate.

"He's planning something…I don't know what it is but it has something to do with you." I said as she stood up and began to leave.

She turned around watching me for a moment before speaking "He's always planning something." Then she walked away.

* * *

"Ben, this is insane." I had gotten up from the table that Ben and Juliet were sitting at and began pacing the dark room as he made her go over the plan once more. After they finished up Juliet got up and the left house leaving me alone with Ben.

"Jocelyn, you are with us now. You can't keep trying to save them." He stated softly as he turned his head to look at me.

"I am a good person or at least I was before I came here. I was good…" I walked over to the table but didn't sit down instead I stood there my left hand placed on the cold table top while I looked down at Ben.

"I am a good person…"

"Ben, good people don't do what you are doing."

"Protecting my people? Protecting my home?" He asked angrily, his face turning a bright shade of red.

"I don't know what you are protecting but I don't think it is your people." My voice was soft and calm as I stared down at the table. I could still feel his eyes on me and I began to turn around to leave the room.

"I have protected you." I almost didn't hear him say the last bit and I turned around to see his face. He was no longer looking at me but down at the table. I slowly walked back to where he was and sat down in the chair Juliet had been occupying minutes ago.

"Ben, you have used me from day one." I smiled bitterly as I looked down at the dark wood of the table.

It was silent for a while in the room while both of us thought about what the other had said. The room had grown quite dark and I had gotten up to turn on the light. It took a moment for me to adjust my eyes to the sudden brightness but once I did, I walked back to the table and sat down.

"You can go with Juliet if you want." He suddenly said breaking the silence. I was surprised by his offer but I wasn't for sure if I wanted to take it or not. It did not take me long to figure out that I didn't want to go back to the little beach community they had created. I had grown used to being with the others. I actually liked a lot of them. I also knew that they would never accept me back there. Jack had already witnessed were my loyalty lied.

"I don't want to go with Juliet. I want to stay here with you." I finally said. Glancing up I saw a smile soften his features.

"Jocelyn, how does it feel?" I didn't understand the question and I stared at him a confused look on my face. He looked up at me still smiling before he explained.

"How does it feel to be in love with me?"

I opened my mouth to tell him that I wasn't in love with him but I closed it again realizing that I would be lying. I was in love with him even if I didn't want to be. I stared at him a long time before I stood up and left the room because I had no idea how to deal with the situation. I didn't know how to deal with my feelings.

* * *

I was holding a gas mask Ben had handed me while I watched Locke leave the game room. He looked over at me holding my gaze for a long moment before I looked away.

"Here" I hadn't even noticed Alex standing beside me until she spoke. She handed me a heavy red bag much like everyone else's.

"Thank you, Alex." I said smiling as I put the bag on my shoulder and we both began putting our gas masks on. Ben turned to look at me before holding out his hand for me to take. I stared at his outstretched hand for a moment before taking it into my own and we started walking ahead of the group who fell in line behind us.

* * *

"I thought you would be sharing a tent with Ben." Locke said coming up to help me set up the tent I was working on.

"Oh… No one has told me really anything so I really have no idea where I am staying. This is for Alex though. She has run off somewhere so I decided I would go ahead and do it for her." I smiled pushing a piece of red hair out of my face as the wind whipped it around.

"There that ought to do." He said smiling at me before his gaze flickered around to look at the people staring at us.

"They are excited that you're here." I stated, answering the question before it was even asked.

"Excited?" He asked, a confused look crossing his features.

I shrugged before answering, "I don't know why…I just know they're excited. Or they could be staring because they think we are planning something. Like a great escape or something silly like that."

"They don't trust you?" He asked, curiously.

"They don't trust anyone. Especially not the ones who came from 815. Oh, don't get me wrong they like Cindy and they love the kids…but me? I don't think so. They think that I have gotten into Ben's head. They believe that I am trying to take over…"

"Are you?"

"I'm not trying to do anything. My goal is to just survive this war that you guys are waging on one another. I didn't ask to come here. Just like I didn't ask for our plane to crash but our plane did crash and I am here. It's really not that bad though. Sure they did things to us that were…uncalled for but they are good people….they are." I stood there for a second longer staring at him before I started towards the tent that Ben was occupying. I didn't know why I got the sudden urge to see him until I had stepped into the dimly lit tent and my eyes found him sitting at his desk.

Ben looked up at me from the papers he was looking at and I stood there staring at him, knowing what I had to say….what I had finally gotten the courage to say.

"I love you."

_. . ._

_I do it on a whim, with no motivation_

_Following this line and I don't know why,_

_But I've learned to capture time; it's my redirection_

_I don't want to live this life,_

_No I don't want to live this life without reason_

_. . ._


	9. Goodnite

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own anything associated with Lost. The title and lyrics belong to Melody Gardot.**

_**Goodnite:**_

_**. . . **_

_Goodnite,_

_Close your eyes and just sleep tight_

_I'll lie awake and watch you dream_

_To be sure that all of your dreams are pure_

_. . . _

"How does it feel?"

I blinked several times "What?" I asked in slight confusion. I had just told the man that I had loved him and he was asking me how it felt?

"How does it feel to be in love me?" He repeated, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

"Oh, Ben, you really don't want to know." I replied, a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth as I turned to leave but before I stepped outside I glanced over my shoulder and asked "What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Pretending that you don't love me?" I asked softly, turning once more to watch him. He didn't lift his head to look at me but continued to study the maps that he knew by heart.

"I'm not pretending."

A laughed softly "And now you're lying."

"Am I?" He asked in all seriousness, lifting his eyes to meet mine.

Letting the smile slip slowly from my lips, I said, "You can try to pretend all day that you don't feel _something_ but we both know that isn't the case. In fact, if I remember correctly, you told me that you loved me. Remember?"

"Yes, I remember perfectly well, Jocelyn" He replied quietly, still not looking at me.

"You are such an odd man, Benjamin." I stated and then added "I should go. I haven't finished putting up the tent all the way and if Alex and I plan on sleeping tonight with something over our heads I should probably get that done. "

"You're not staying with Alex." He stated, turning to look at me.

"Where else would I sleep?" I asked already knowing the answer just wanting him to say to confirm that it wasn't my imagination, that there was something there.

He paused a moment before saying "You can finish helping Alex but you're staying here."

"With you." I added just for clarification.

He cleared his throat and turned back to his papers "Yes, with me." He replied quickly and then added "When you go will you send Richard in to see me?"

"Of course." I answered, turning back toward the opening of the tent, a ridiculous smile playing on my lips.

* * *

By time I finished helping Alex I was completely exhausted; so exhausted that when I found myself back in the tent with Ben I went straight for my bags, changed into a long shirt that Alex had given to me to sleep in and then went to brushing the tangles out of my curly red hair without even glancing in Ben's direction once.

"Have you eaten today?" I asked after settling on the bed to continue my brush. My eyes landed on where he still sat only this time he was writing in his journal rather than going over the maps as he had been earlier in the day. "You haven't, have you? That's not good for your health, Ben. Especially considering the surgery that you have just undergone." I said, still attempting to untangle my hair. "It also isn't good for you to just sit there all day." I finished and waited for him to at least acknowledge my presence.

Letting a sigh escape his lips, he leaned back in his chair and took the glasses off his face and placed them next to the journal he had been writing in.

"You worry too much." He stated, pushing himself out of his chair and walking toward where I sat on the bed, still working the brush through my hair.

I laughed softly "I'm a doctor, remember?"

He sat down next to me on the bed and I forced myself to stop running the brush through my hair, placing into the side.

"You should really let me see how it's healing." I said softly, turning toward him.

"I'm fine." He ensured me though he had already begun untucking his shirt, preparing for my mini exam.

"Ben, you had a tumor and then an infection." I reminded him, taking over lifting his shirt out of my way, exposing the thin, pink scar. "It actually looks very good." I added, slightly surprised considering how bad the infection had been.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Dr. Carmichael?" He asked, sounding quite serious.

"Oh yes, Ben." I laughed "I planned on seducing you with my medical talk."

He chuckled softly "I thought as much."

I shook my head, still laughing softly to myself as I pressed my fingers to the pink skin "He did a really good job with the sutures. A lot better than what I could do. I haven't sutured in quite a while." I said mostly to myself.

"Why do you hate it?"

"What? Being a surgeon?" I asked and when he nodded his head I continued, "I don't hate it. I love being in the operating room. I love that feeling when I'm at that table. When I am saving lives. I hate the death that comes along with it though." I sighed softly and was about to tell him I was finished when Richard stepped inside cutting off the words before they had even left my mouth.

Ben quickly stood, barely giving me time to let go of his shirt, and was already across the room whispering to Richard, glancing my way every few seconds. I strained to hear what they were whispering about, however, the conversation ended as quickly as it had begun with Richard storming out of the tent, leaving me clueless as to what the conversation had been.

I was still trying to piece together what they had been whispering about when I noticed Ben grab his walkie from the desk and start toward the tent opening.

"Where are you going?" I asked, standing up, tossing the brush on the bed and wrapping my arms around myself as if I were cold in the warm tent.

"I have something to discuss with John." He replied, barely glancing my way.

He was almost outside when I finally called out his name, forcing him to a stop. Swallowing hard, I walked toward him, letting my arms fall to my side. When I was finally standing in front of him, I leaned forward and let my lips brush across his for a moment before I pulled away and whispered hoarsely "Goodnight, Ben."

. . .

_My dear don't you worry 'bout a thing_

_I'll be near to you all night_

_And through the evening_

_I'll be by your side_

_So goodnite…_

_. . ._


End file.
